


keeping shared secrets | ballum

by lockedinmybody



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Hugs, M/M, Overly metaphorical
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2020-05-13 03:07:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19242574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lockedinmybody/pseuds/lockedinmybody
Summary: callum has been working through some feelings ever since he met ben. when he sees ben sitting on the floor of the funeral parlor, he realises he's not the only one.





	keeping shared secrets | ballum

What Ben has done, is incredibly annoying.

Because Callum is holding a bucket of water, and there's a hole at the side. Only Callum hadn't noticed the hole. Not really anyway.  
I mean, he saw it, sometime when he was thirteen and all of a sudden girls were the only thing all the boys in his class could talk about, and Callum didn't.  
But he put his finger over the hole and it was fine.

And then in the army, he sees it again. The water is a bit more forceful this time around, but so is Callum's grip. He has to.

Callum knew the bucket was going to run out at some point. But that was fine. He could live with an empty bucket.  
An empty bucket may not have anything in it, but it did provide comfort and safety, and a normal life, and if it didn't really do much else it wasn't a problem, was it?

But then Ben Mitchell comes along, and starts stabbing little extra holes in the bucket. Taunting, snarky and brutally honest.  
All of the little comments, the moments of running into each other which, even for a small village, occur to frequently for Ben to not have a hand in them somehow.  
He keeps drawing Callum's attention to the bucket, the thing he hadn't really realised he was holding anymore. But now the emptiness is obvious, and so he tries to pour more water in, but that only makes the water dissapear faster.  
There are days when Callum just puts a hose over the edge and lets it run.

It's absolutely exhausting.

And then the night in the park. Ben grabs Callum's face with both hands and directs his attention away from the bucket.  
Afterwards, it had felt like maybe some of the holes had been fixed, and they had for a bit, but the next morning Callum notices even more holes than before.

The weight becomes heavier now that Callum is more aware of it, and it's tiring. And lonely. So lonely.  
Sometimes though, Ben carries it for him. Sits down next to him at the Vic, a quick look to the side and slightly raised eyebrows, and it's the smallest gesture but the attention behind it gives Callum's shoulders a rest.  
In between stupid jokes and cheeky comments, when Callum doesn't even have the energy to look irritated, Ben will lean in closer. "Y'alright?" Low and soft.  
Because he genuinely cares. At least, that's what it feels like.

And it's late in the evening when Callum realises.  
He's alone, Whitney working a shift in the Vic, and he remembers how Jay asked him to check something in a document, so he makes his way down the stairs, in joggers and a T-shirt, eyes on the filing cabinet, but Ben is sitting on the floor, back against the wall and knees pulled up.  
Callum stops immediately, and Ben looks startled when their eyes meet. For a second Callum thinks he might get up and leave straight away, but he doesn't.  
"Sorry, I," Ben starts, but trails off, and Callum notes how he looks and sounds sober, this time.  
"'S okay." Callum says immediately, a small smile, because he guesses this has something to do with Ben's ex, and he doesn't want there to be any pressure to explain.

Ben huffs, a hint of a smile gracing his lips as he looks down into his lap.  
"You're too nice, Callum Highway." Ben says, as if it's an announcement, and Callum looks at him with amusement when Ben lifts his head.  
"Am I?" Ben nods. "Well then, it's about to get worse. D'ya want a cuppa?"  
Ben doesn't really do anything, just looks like he's in pain, so Callum steps in front of him and holds his hand out to pull him up, which Ben accepts.

When Ben's standing in front of him, he's still holding Callum's hand, and neither of them let go.  
Ben looks like he's on the verge of saying something, but he doesn't. He also doesn't move, though.  
And Callum feels like he shouldn't either, so he slowly lowers their joined hands. It feels a bit awkward, but also like Ben might need this.  
Ben looks down at the ground for a moment, and Callum hears him clear his throat, and then he looks to the ceiling.  
"'S just, this place," Ben waves his free hand around, "you know."  
Callum nods, despite not fully knowing. Maybe he knows all he has to know.  
When Ben meets his eyes again, they're glistening.  
And that's when it clicks.  
Ben's holding a bucket too.

Ben's words from that tearful, booze-induced night echo in his head, and Callum once again is met with the reality that the tough exterior and bravado that manages to get under his skin like nothing else, is far from the whole picture.  
The softness that Ben allows to shine through seems to occur often when he's with Callum, and Callum feels special for it.

He looks at Ben, and it almost feels like he might explode with affection. The way Ben looks at him, the pull around his clear blue eyes a sombre one of deep pain, makes Callum want to do anything to take care of him.  
He doesn't really think about it.  
His arms come around Ben, completely surrounding him, and he pulls the smaller man close, until their chests are pressed together and Callum's chin touches the top of Ben's head.

After a second or two, Ben lets his body fall against Callum's, and he feels Ben's arms come around his back.  
Ben sighs, a deep shuddering breath in, and Callum feels moisture falling on his arms.  
He moves his hands slowly up and down Ben's back whilst gently squeezing him closer, and when he quickly glances down he sees Ben with his eyes closed, head resting against Callum's chest, and it's a sight Callum doesn't think he could ever grow tired of.  
Callum softly sways them side to side a tiny bit, and presses a kiss into Ben's hair.

Ben's shoulders shake a bit, and Callum thinks he's started fully crying now, but when he looks down, Ben's wearing a smile.  
"What?" Callum says lowly, and Ben shrugs.  
"Nothin'. Just, you're really good at this."  
They both laugh quietly at that, and Callum feels more relaxed holding Ben in his arms than he has done in weeks.  
"Not that I'm surprised," Ben mumbles into Callum's shirt, and Callum feels warmth in his face.

"What, 'cause I'm soft?" Callum says, loosening his grip on Ben.  
"No," Ben says, a fondness in his eyes as he pulls back slightly, enough to look Callum in the eye but still have his hands at the back of Callum's waist, "'cause you're sweet."  
Callum rolls his eyes but there's no heat behind it, and Ben leans up and places a soft, lingering kiss on his lips.  
There's a look on his face afterwards like he didn't really mean to do that but couldn't help himself, but Callum doesn't mind in the slightest, and Ben notices.

"I should go," Ben whispers, and Callum nods. Ben moves forward one more time, this time moving his arms around Callum, holding him, and when their heads are at one another's shoulders, whispering a thank you, kissing Callum's cheek and then walking out the door.  
Callum stands in the room for a while after Ben has left, hating himself for loving what just happened.  
He feels guilty but he also wants to do it again.  
One thing he does know though.  
He can't hold the bucket much longer.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!  
> you can also find me on [tumblr](https://softlofty.tumblr.com/) :)


End file.
